BY KRAMPUS, THE GERMANIC YULETIDE DEMON
Guten Tag! With the holidays upon us once more it is time for I, the Krampus, to reflect on what is truly important. Oh, I’m certain things seem very simple for a sixteenth century Alpine goat demon like myself. But deep down I am just an average fellow like you. I too find myself getting caught up in the rush and commercialism of the holidays, and forgetting the season’s true meaning:
The violent punishment of wicked children.
You all know my story: every year, as Santa Claus delivers presents to good children, I, the demon Krampus, travels from house to house inflicting retribution on the youngsters for their sins. I exact my vengeance on the wicked youth with my lash and rusty chains, and ultimately I abduct the most devious children in my Krampus sack. Pretty standard Christmas stuff.
Each year I am shocked anew at the commercialism of the Christmas. This Fall I was in my local Costco stocking up on bulk cranberry juice, when I saw they were using “Christmas” to sell everything, even toiletries and large bags of potato chips. Mein Gott! For a moment, I wanted to lash the store clerks then and there. But no, the Krampus only whips small, terrified children, to force them to atone for their year’s evil deeds. No store clerks, I’m afraid!
Then comes December, and everywhere I look is the Santa Claus, selling chocolates and, how you say, the Big Macs Ja? I cannot approve of such materialism, and I assure you that you will never see the Krampus in a commercial for the Coca-Cola (the Krampus is a Pepsi fan anyway – haha)
It can be lonely during the holidays. Trimming the tree alone, RSVP-ing solo for your cousin’s holiday party, and practicing your whipping all by your lonesome. But finally, the Krampusnacht rolls around, and I am reminded of the true reason for the season. Oh, to see the faces of the little ones light up, usually from horror, as I burst into their homes and single them out for penance. Ah! The screams of the children. It sustains me. That, and hot yoga.
And what does the Krampus do for the remainder of the year? I am glad that you asked. I paint, play racquetball, and I enjoy watching the Orange Is the New Black (season 3 cannot arrive soon enough!) Oh, and I spend many hours tormenting the naughtiest of the small children, who as you may recall I ripped away from their sobbing parents during the previous Krampusnacht. That takes up a lot of my time.
So here is to the holidays, and the joy and bone-chilling terror that is their true essence. Be sure to tip your hat in greeting if you pass the Krampus on the street, and if you have small children, do not fear – they will be judged without exception.
Auf Wiedersehen, and Happy Holidays from the Krampus!
