BY DAVID ALAN RUSKIN
Well ain’t that just a kick in the pants? 80 year old convicted murderer and cult leader Charles Manson – yes, that Charles Manson – is engaged to marry an attractive 26 year old woman. Meanwhile here I sit, single and alone and perfectly datable, plus I’ve killed way more people than Manson ever did.
I mean, sure, Manson is a celebrity – yet another reason why us average unassuming mass murdering regular guys can’t compete in today’s dating market. I’m sure Charles Manson never has to update his OKCupid profile in between planning, executing, and concealing a series of grisly murders that have left authorities baffled. I guess that’s what girls go for these days – a flashy big man on campus who was only convicted in the murders of nine people. Nine! Didn’t even crack the double digits!
That leads me to another pet peeve. I’m sitting here at home by myself on Friday nights watching Two and a Half Men and practising knots, while Mr. Manson is getting ready to marry the lovely Afton Elaine Burton (cute, but not my type). And all of this in spite of the fact that Charles Manson didn’t even actually commit the murders he’s known for! How is that fair?
What chance does a regular guy have to land a girlfriend, let alone a wife, when apparently hard work doesn’t even count for anything? Maybe I should go take credit for someone else’s accomplishments, or brutal unsolved homicides, and then the ladies will just line up at my door! Or could I just kick back, crack a beer, and convince a suggestible apocalyptic hippy death cult to find a girlfriend for me?
Naw, I’ve got enough lady problems without a bunch of hippy wingmen. Ha, just kidding.
Perhaps I should listen to my friends, or actually make some friends outside of the pleasant yet arms length acquaintances I hope will one day bolster my alibi. I imagine friends would tell me the secret to meeting a girl is to put myself out there, which is admittedly tough between my late night stalking and my full time job at H&R Block. Besides, it’s not like Old Man Manson ever had to bother putting himself out there. He’s locked away in a maximum security penitentiary and still managed to have his pick of ladies. No awkward ‘Speed Dating’ nights required.
I also may have buried the lede here, but need I mention the 54 year age difference between Manson and his bride to be? Gross!
I’m all for people finding love, and I say this as a man who has done unspeakable ritualistic things under cover of darkness, but barf to the max! He’s old enough to be her grandfather, and she’d still rather marry him than an eligible and age appropriate deviant like myself. I give up.
Oh well, looks like I’m destined to be alone forever, playing Call of Duty and ordering Pizza Hut, while even Charles Manson can find a wife. I could try to take comfort in the fact that my ongoing inability with the ladies will surely serve to fuel my hideous and stygian impulses, spurring me forward until I finally achieve an apotheosis and become as God himself. But I’m not really in the mood.
Sigh… I guess nice guys really do finish last, am I right?
