Team: Vancouver Canucks
Mascot: The green men’s bulge
2013-14 Season:
Tired of boring things like scoring goals and having a good powerplay, the 2013-14 Canucks’ primary focus was on losing games, getting injured and alienating star players. The system was hugely successful as ironman Henrik Sedin missed his first game since Swedish gym class, Roberto Luongo was traded to Florida, and the team limped to their worst season in years. The once passionate fanbase was so dejected that not a single police car was flipped over in the process – a new low for the storied franchise.
Key Subtractions:
Fans were shocked to see the departure of two of the most beloved Canucks of all time: Mike Gillis and John Tortorella. Gillis now keeps busy making lousy trades to his nephew in fantasy hockey while Tortorella has been cast as ‘the chill one’ on the upcoming season of Big Brother. Phil Kessel’s brother and Roberto Luongo also left.
Key Additions:
Trevor “I used to play with Pavel Bure” Linden has taken over as Team President. New coach Willie Desjardin joins the Canucks after turning down the chance to coach Sidney Crosby in Pittsburgh – a decision that he will probably only regret if Sidney Crosby turns out to be good. On the ice, new goalie Ryan Miller is hoping millions and millions of dollars will make it easier for him to handle it when management inexplicably turns on him and blames his contract for the team’s failures.
X Factor:
With no Torts, Gillis or Luongo, can the Canucks find someone to scapegoat for their failures within the first few weeks of the season?
Trade rumours:
Alex Burrows for the “other” Sedin twin. Sure he may be small and “a little off in the head,” but he is still a Sedin god dam it.
Predicted finish:
Expect the Canucks to have their worst season ever, finishing 20 points out of the playoffs and 20 points ahead of Edmonton and Calgary.
