VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia (UBC) have discovered that a newly-engineered species of pig with superhuman intelligence and empathy tastes ‘incredible’.
“At first, we bred the WisdomHogs, or Suidae sapien, to help us with science problems and our emotional lives,” said lead researcher Janelle O’Neal. “But eventually we got curious and slaughtered one.”
“Best decision of our lives. ‘Succulent’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.”
Although the WisdomHogs, with their broad range of facial expressions and excellent command of Shakespearian English, are unquestionably sentient creatures with feelings, sources close to the project say that they are also ‘unquestionably meant to be served with bearnaise sauce.’
“We’re not sure what makes them taste so much better,” said O’Neal. “We think it has something to do with them knowing exactly what’s happening to them and why when we smash them to death with a hammer.”
The researchers say that these findings fit with conventional wisdom in the field of charcuterology; wisdom that says smarter, more caring animals are tastier than dumber ones.
“Of course, pigs are tastier than cows, which are tastier than fish, which are tastier than vegetables,” said researcher Olivia Wu. “Up until now, though, the tastiest foods, human and dolphin, were only available to the very rich.”
Wu says that the team’s discoveries have shattered this ‘glass ceiling of taste’.
“Now that we can start forced-breeding and systematically factory-slaughtering these wise, kind animals, there’s no reason why everybody can’t be feeding on their flesh all of the time,” said Wu.
Sources close to the team say that the real beauty of the WisdomHogs is that they are too noble and self-sacrificing to fight back.
“We have it in us to resist,” said GentleMother the WisdomHog, from the fat-draining stand she is shackled to. “But by resisting, we would become like the ones who do this to us.”
