NEW YORK – Citing the need to correct longstanding issues within its organization, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, along with coaches from across the country, pleaded with the nation’s women to stop letting their star players physically and sexually assault them.
“In order to provide fans and sponsors with only the top athletic performers regardless of their attention to laws or human decency, we’re asking women to please help us out and be on their guard and more vigilant in avoiding violence from our players,” said Goodell at at a press conference yesterday.
“Especially during or right before the football season starts. I can’t begin to tell you how inconvenient it is for our ticket sales and TV ratings,” he added.
The NFL made specific requests for heightened caution around its players from strippers, cheerleaders, prostitutes, children, dogs, and any other living creatures not able to bench-press 300 lbs, and said that if violence could not be avoided, it should at least be concealed and not videotaped.
The NFL is also teaming up with local agencies in order to offer pamphlets full of tips and tricks with the intent of helping women avoid assault from its players and coaches.
“When a 6’4, 275 pound man steps toward you with the intention of hitting you, try telling him a joke to lighten the mood,” one of the tips reads in part.
While the league is expected to continue to grow its female fanbase, currently its most important demographic, owners of lawn bowling leagues across the country said they were struggling to find any interest in their sport due to lack of controversy.
