LONDON – Following years of DNA testing on one of the only surviving pieces of physical evidence, British scientists have conclusively determined that notorious serial murderer Jack the Ripper was a mega-huge creep and likely a massive weirdo.
“I am 100 percent certain,” said author and self-confessed ‘armchair detective’ Russell Edwards, who claims that DNA obtained from a victim’s scarf proves that Jack the Ripper was a gross ween who the ladies definitely did not go for. “I’ve spent 14 years working on the only piece of forensic evidence in the case, and I have definitively solved the mystery of whether Jack the Ripper was a brutal loser,” he said.
“For years all we’ve known about Jack the Ripper is that he was a depraved killer who butchered at least 5 prostitutes,” Edwards added. “But now, thanks to the miracle of modern science, we can finally agree once and for all that Jack the Ripper wasn’t a very fun guy to be around and was kind of a perv.”
Having concluded his work on Jack the Ripper, Russell intends to now investigate noted serial killer John Wayne Gacy to determine whether he was merely insane, or rather completely insane in the membrane.
