WASHINGTON — International Monetary Fund Managing director Christine Lagarde yesterday unveiled a new luxury currency that will be used to provide those in the one percent a stable, convenient alternative to regular money.
“We’ll be offering banks’ most valued account holders the chance to deposit and withdraw funds in an international currency that’s backed by a standard that will never devalue: other rich people’s wealth,” Lagarde told reporters yesterday.
Not only will the currency, called the “Whiff” be more stable than the dollar, Euro, or the yen, it will allow its users to differentiate the quality of different businesses by checking to see whether they accept payment in Whiffs.
In response to the news, many high-end stores, restaurants and hotels are working to transition to the Whiff in time for the holiday shopping season. Some businesses, including Hermes, Cartier, and various Faberge egg dealers have announced that they will switch to only accepting payment in Whiffs by the end of the year.
Chanel president Bruno Pavlovsky stated, “Our customers know that there are businesses that trade in Whiffs, and there are businesses that trade in dollar bills. We want to make it crystal clear that we are the former.”
Lagarde stated that the IMF would not publicly reveal the exchange rate from dollars to Whiffs, because “if you have to ask, you’re never going to know.”
When asked about the physical appearance of the new currency, Lagarde was quick to correct reporters. “A currency like Whiffs could never take physical form, as it would be much too risky to carry. However you can look forward to seeing the Karl Lagerfeld designed Whiff symbol on cheques, in credit card statements, and featured prominently in cocaine sculptures.”
At press time, Drake had released a new song called, “I be Whiff It.”
