WASHINGTON – In response to increased Russian support of Ukrainian rebels, a coalition of world powers have announced that they will inquire whether it is too late to boycott the Sochi Winter Olympics from this past February.
“We’ve unsuccessfully tried sanctions against Russia’s banks, oil sector, and defense contractors,” said US President Barack Obama, speaking this morning from the White House Briefing Room. “But we think the strongest possible message will be sent if we can still boycott Russia’s 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics.”
Obama continued, “So question one, is it too late to make that happen, and question two, will you deliver the news to Putin so that we don’t have to?”
UK Prime Minister David Cameron explained the rationale for the boycott’s timing, “We were all cool with massive human rights violations and subtle oppression of neighbouring countries as long as we got to see a dude do a backflip off a mogul, but this has gone a bit too far.” Asked if it had gone far enough to warrant a military response, Cameron pretended he couldn’t hear the question until a reporter finally gave up asking.
Russia has come under increased pressure to end its support for the Ukrainian rebels, who many believe were responsible for shooting down a Malaysia Airlines jet that killed 298.
When asked if the world’s initial participation in the Sochi Games may have emboldened Russia’s recent aggressions, German Chancellor Angela Merkel responded, “Yes that’s why we will now proceed to boycott the games six months ago, what part of this don’t you get?”
While the boycott is endorsed by the European Union and Japan, a more reluctant signatory has been Canada. Prime Minister Stephen Harper spoke to reporters, saying, “Wait, they want us to boycott the Winter Olympics? Would that mean we’d have to give back the women’s hockey medal?” He then added, “And the men’s hockey medal too? I’m sorry, I think that sanction may be harder on Canada than on Russia.”
After realizing that all of the other world leaders were staring at him, Prime Minister Harper looked at the floor, kicked his foot, and mumbled something that sounded like, “Fine. Whatever.”
The assembled world leaders plan to petition the International Olympic Commission with regards to their boycott. “We expect the IOC to do the honorable thing,” explained President Obama, while Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi stifled a laugh in the background.
At press time, Russian LGBT activists have issued a press release saying, “Hey, remember us?”
