WASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued a shocking 5-4 ruling on the landmark case of Alien v. Predator, ruling that the intergalactic hunters’ (“Predators”) victory violated the civil rights of the alien xenomorphs (“Aliens”), and would henceforth be struck down.
The original hearing of Alien v. Predator (2004) sought to answer, once and for all, which was the “most badass” extraterrestrial race in the entire galaxy. While judges initially found for the Predators, legal experts have since described the decision as “unconstitutional” and “bullshit”.
“This is an historic case,” said Richard Posner, prominent legal scholar and former judge for the United States Court of Appeals (Seventh Circuit). “While the Predators were declared the victors in the original 2004 proceedings, they only managed to win by placing the Aliens at a severe disadvantage – locking them up, and hunting them for sport. Allowing such unfair proceedings would have created a slippery slope for all future judicial decisions. Plus, the Aliens have acid blood dude. Their blood is made of acid!”
The majority opinion was written by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who was joined by Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor and Kagan. Justice Kennedy wrote, “It is clear from the outset that the playing field was unconstitutionally tilted toward the Predators. But the fact that they were unable to defeat the Aliens without assistance from a human being renders the entire preceding decision null, in addition to being fucking weak.”
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg added, “In recognizing this systemic imbalance, the stage has been set for more constitutionally valid interspecies competitions in the future. Not to mention the Aliens were designed by H.R. Giger and look way cooler than the Predator, who resembles some kind of Rastafarian space lizard.”
Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito dissented. In his 375 paragraph dissent Justice Scalia mounted a full throttle defense of the fighting capabilities of the Predators as well as the Predator franchise, including Predator 2, which the honourable Justice concluded “has its moments.”
Justice Scalia stated that “whatever the circumstances, the fact remains that the Predator, through his stealth abilities and weaponry, has an ability to fight at long distances that an Alien simply lacks. It took Arnold at his most jacked to bring down one Predator. That chick from Ghostbusters murdered like what, a thousand Aliens?”
Both the majority and dissent did however agree that counsel for the Predators or for the Aliens could not introduce any evidence from the quasi-prequel Prometheus, as none of the nine most intelligent members of the judiciary could “figure out what the fuck was going on in that thing.”
