NATIONAL – Teenagers everywhere are reporting that their local high school proms have been completely ruined by expectations built up over years of movies, television and their own lack of understanding of just how inherently not fun all proms are.
After several months of planning, the well-supervised and unnecessarily expensive formal gatherings of awkward teenagers have been taking place across the nation this month, with most reporting severe disappointment on so many fronts that the majority consensus from both students and faculty, regardless of their respective schools, is that prom is “just shitty”.
“I wanted to look awesome so I rented this tux for like $200, but when I showed up I realized everyone was wearing basically the same thing. I work part-time at Shoppers Drug Mart, which translates into about four 4-hour shifts just for clothes that helped me blend in for one night. One night! Fuck!” said Marc LeBlanc of Rosemount High School in Montreal.
“My boyfriend really wanted to lose his virginity on prom night and the pressure to have it happen then made me really uncomfortable, so we broke up a couple days before and then he was all snarky and making weird faces at me all night, so we had this huge fight out in the hall and then got back together, and then he was all like, ‘so can we do it now?’ Ugh!” said Paige Lawson of Port Coquitlam Secondary School in BC.
“My buddies and me rented this SUV limo cause we thought that’d be cool, but we got in and it smelled like cigarettes, air freshener and vomit. On the way over to the venue we found some guy’s glass eye. And when I got out, I realized I was sitting in this weird wet spot the whole time. Yeah… we all took the bus home,” said Jared Laughlin of Bishop Carroll High School in Calgary, Alberta.
Even students who did not have high expectations were disappointed by the consistently terrible festivities held at every single prom night ever.
“With all those teacher there I knew this wasn’t going to be the best night of my life, but like, it’s fun to dress up and go dancing, but come on, did Jeremy Vanier HAVE to puke on my $600 dress? What an asshole!” said Keisha Snowden of Chinguacousy Secondary School in Brampton, Ontario.
“That was the worst chicken supreme I’ve ever had, and I expect a banquet hall chicken supreme to be bad, but come on, I think they accidentally stuffed it with mint in instead of basil! What is this, Chopped Canada? Unbelievable!” said Steven Gopnik-Scott from Moncton High School, in New Brunswick.
“My girlfriend was voted prom Queen, which is great, and I thought I’d get the first dance with her, but somehow, fucking Rajiv got voted prom King. They don’t even have any of the same classes! Those two on the dance floor was just super awkward for everyone. That not only disillusioned my ideals toward prom, but also toward democracy,” said Andrew P. Johnson of Oakwood Collegiate Institute in Toronto.
Other events that failed expectations of a reasonable time at proms across the nation include having parents texting every 5 minutes to make sure that you’re “having fun and safe”, seeing a ton of back acne when that weird red headed kid who smells like onions decided it would be hilarious to streak and no one laughed, having your heel break off your new shoes, that bunch of dudes who throw up gang signs like fools when getting their pictures taken, having to sit next to your ex at the table, and just having to either buy or wear a wrist corsage.
On the bright side, prom is usually close to the end of most people’s high school careers.
“Prom sucked. Thank God I’m going to university where I will join a cool fraternity and have so much fun all of the time,” said Simon Kingston who will be attending Nipissing University in North Bay, Ontario in September.
