HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coffee and donuts for the benefit of their global shareholders.
“We could not be more proud that we have made it to 50 years of servicing the Canadian market with the vague notions of hockey and ‘Canadianness’ that have allowed us to generate over $3 billion in revenues annually,” said Vice President of Marketing Darryl Hanson.
“Tim Hortons was the first to realize that Canada’s inherent lack of a shared definition of national identity allowed room for a business that is wholly uninterested in anything other than making money, to insert itself as a patriotic placeholder through a well thought-out media strategy,” Hanson continued. “Our research shows it was effective to the point where people know more about Roll Up the Rim to Win than they do about Canada’s confederation back in eighteen-sixty-whatever-it-was.”
This comes at a time when Tim Hortons is struggling to make inroads into the U.S. market.
“The ordinary sales pitch of ‘we’re Canadian, so buy us’ doesn’t seem to work there,” Hanson said. “Right now our strategy is to just put bacon on everything and see what that does.”
“It’s great that practically everywhere you go in Canada, you can get a taste of Canada in a double-double and donut,” said Jason McDonald, a 54-year old construction worker from Toronto who doesn’t seem to understand that his regular diet of Tim Hortons will lead to life-threatening health problems, unnecessarily stressing the other pillar of Canadian identity, our healthcare system.
“Tim Hortons is a great Canadian company, and its success is something all Canadians can be proud of,” said loyal customer Judy Greener of Kamloops, British Columbia, completely ignorant of the fact that Tim Hortons only repatriated back to Canada from the State of Delaware for tax purposes.
Hanson says that he’s happy to see that the outpouring of delusional patriotic fervor even extends to frontline staff, many of whom love Canada so much, they can’t wait to become citizens.
