ONTARIO – With the Ontario election only one month away, polls are predicting a landslide victory for Tim Hudak, if he is willing to entirely change his campaign, policies, political party, appearance, and personality.
“As a mother, I think he’d be an excellent candidate,” said local mother Marissa Flynn. “My children are falling through the cracks because their classes are too large, and Tim Hudak’s plan to fire tens of thousands of teachers is only one word away from being exactly what my kids need.”
Polls say that 40% of voters feel that Hudak’s proposed corporate tax cuts are a step in the right direction, provided that that direction is to instead raise taxes on corporations so that the province can afford to have roads that it is possible to drive on.
An additional 31% said they would vote for Hudak if he was the female leader of the NDP, Andrea Horwath.
“As someone who works in a dangerous job, I want a person in charge who isn’t going to try and cripple the power of my union,” said construction worker Karen Ellesberg. “I believe that, technically, Tim Hudak is a person.”
Prospective voters were also attracted by the fact that alternate-universe versions of Hudak had never proposed forced labour as a criminal punishment, that different-timeline versions of Hudak had not avoided questions about their personal views on abortion, and that parallel-dimension versions of Hudak did not look like serial killers when they smiled.
“So yes,” Ellesberg added. “He’s almost exactly what I’m looking for.”
As of press time, a further set of polls revealed that many would vote for Kathleen Wynne if she would just stop humble-bragging about how much exercise she gets.
