MONTREAL – In a brief statement read by mayor Denis Coderre, the citizens of Montreal promised that they would only riot in the event of a win, or of a loss by the Montreal Canadiens against the Boston Bruins tonight.
“Montrealers are not just a bunch of hooligans looking for any chance to break free from the bonds of civilized society,” said Coderre as he donned a bandana outside of Montreal City Hall. “Everybody is getting worked up about there being riots, but I just want to remind everyone that there are only two things that could possibly cause that to happen, and those two things are the Canadiens winning, or the Canadiens losing.”
Montreal law enforcement officials say they’ve prepared for the unlikely event that there is an outcome to the final game of the Canadiens’ playoff series.
“We’ve put special panes of glass randomly around the downtown core that people can smash without harming businesses. We’re hoping they last until the game is over,” said Montreal police chief Marc Parent. “We’ve also placed replica cop cars on prime vandalism corners, and will be handing out rubber bricks at major sports bars to cut down on property damage.”
At press time, Torontonians had tried to stage a riot, but it fell apart during the final few minutes in an embarrassing defeat to police.
