SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Upon completing their submersible drone sweep of the floor of the Indian ocean, researchers searching for the missing Malaysian airline flight 370 say they have reached a conclusion as to the fate of both the plane and the passengers, announcing at a press conference that the disappearance was caused by “let’s just say it was aliens”.
“Yes. After months of exhausting search, we have determined that, fuck this shit, aliens did it. Why not? You heard me everyone. The plane is gone from the planet so let’s just stop looking for it already,” said Dr. Paul K. Waterson of the marine studies research team assembled for the recovery mission with large bags under his eyes and an unceasing tremor in his right hand.
“There is no reason to waste all this time, energy and money scouring more of the ocean depths for something that was never actually there – because otherwise we would have found it already – and realize that we’re for sure dealing with an intelligence far more advanced than our own, so let’s just go home and get some fucking sleep for Christ’s sake. I hope this bring some closure for the victim’s families. I never want to see the ocean again.”
When asked to clarify if the aliens had trapped the plane full of 239 human specimen in a kind of energy beam, pulling them aboard their flying saucer shaped vessel, which then vanished into interplanetary space faster than we could detect with our inferior instruments, only to have the doomed passengers forced into an alien mating program because the aliens are actually just highly evolved human-in-origin time-travellers seeking large quantities of our DNA to supplement their highly engineered genome, Dr. Waterson said, “Sure. Why the fuck not?”
When asked if he was sure he was resolute in saying, “who’s the expert here? Me or you? It’s me? Oh well then, yes, I’m goddamn sure!”
“The fact that the plane disappeared off of radar was not due to flying low, it was aliens. Those pings at the bottom of the sea floor? Fucking aliens. The fact that we searched every square inch of the sea floor and found literally nothing? Aliens! Those pieces of floating debris which everyone thought might have been either from the plane or merely garbage tossed into vast unforgiving abyss, it was all just aliens. Is that better now? No more questions,” Dr. Waterson said before breaking out into tears and walking off stage.
At press time, friends and family of the passengers aboard Flight 370 are hoping and praying for the safe return of their loved ones after their gametes are harvested and synthesized with the blood of their space-faring captors.
