OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as many shortsighted and disastrous policies as possible before they get defeated by the Liberals or NDP in 2015.
“We’re losing the next election anyway, so we figured we might as well just play some speed metal songs and trash the country with a baseball bat on our way out,” said Minister of Employment and Social Development Jason Kenney, drawing a Hitler moustache on a portrait of John A. Macdonald.
With even hardcore supporters questioning the administration’s spending habits and basic priorities, the Conservatives have spent the past week setting fire to the boreal forest, breaking up the trans-Canada highway with sledgehammers, and using Rona Ambrose’s pickup truck, the one with the novelty metal testicles hanging from the rear bumper, to pull down the CN Tower.
“The great thing is, we’ve got a headstart on all this,” shouted Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird, urinating his name into the carpet of the House of Commons. “The country’s international reputation is ruined, and we don’t even know how many centuries it will take for the environment to recover, because we fired all the scientists and then banged their spouses.”
Minister Bernard Valcourt and MP Pierre Poilievre have respectively pointed to the First Nations Education Act and the Fair Elections Act as pieces of legislation that they put forward “just to be dicks”. The two members have since pooled their resources on the controversial “Pooping on the Lawns of Canadians Act”.
“The economy? Oh Jesus,” said a laughing Stephen Harper, pouring himself a second shot of 10 A.M. “work tequila”. “Let’s see those fucks try and make things work when the construction boom ends and everyone realizes that the middle class is gone.”
At press time, the Prime Minister announced that he had advised Her Majesty to appoint Doug Ford as Canada’s next Governor General.
