LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the NBA head office have stated that the league is furious that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling, having allegedly been caught on tape making racist comments about African Americans, has broken the one and only rule governing the conduct of team owners.
“We have a great system in place in the form of near dictatorial control over our player’s behaviour on and off the court, and near universal freedom for our owners to do whatever their old, white billionaire ass wants to do, but now Donald has gone and fucked everything up,” said commissioner Adam Silver.
“If he had driven drunk with a pocket full of percs and a shotgun in the trunk, he could have come to the game on Sunday with a smile on his face and a beer in his hand and no one would have said anything to him,” added the commissioner.
The league has apparently developed a list of behaviour they will tolerate in a franchise owner, which includes randomly deciding to move a team from a major media market in Seattle to a city previously best known for its livestock markets in Oklahoma City, encouraging a 20 year old Magic Johnson to have random and promiscuous sexual encounters with strangers, helping ensure that he would eventually contract HIV, and dozens of examples of James Dolan acting like James Dolan.
“The only item on our not allowed list was acting like a total dick to a group of people who composes a significant percentage of our customer base and well over 70% of our players,” said league representative Jacob Jackson.
“All we can do now is pledge to our fans and players, especially those who are African American, that we are going to work hard to ensure this story goes away super fast and everyone forgets all about it.”
Reached for comment, Sterling expressed surprise at the level of outrage being expressed, saying he didn’t think his comments would be taken so personally by NBA players and that he was “pretty sure” that he “owns all those black guys on the team anyway.”
