Prime Minister Harper apologized today for the drinking that caused a young woman to be hospitalized during his son Ben’s 18th birthday party on Wednesday, explaining he would never had allowed it had he known that alcohol was a real thing.
“Being eighteen, Ben and his friends are free to make their own choices, and I expect all my children to conduct themselves responsibly. But I think the greater tragedy here is that this liquor and beer intoxication thing is real, and not just the ghost story we were all told around the campfire back in scouts. It’s spooky,” said the right honourable Prime Minister.
As questions persisted, Harper continued to dodge accusations that he knew and allowed his children and their friends to drink excessively, addressing the issue of greater transparency about social dangers and their realness in general.
“Wait, all drugs are real?! Oh god. I remember back at Richview Collegiate, I personally witnessed some smoke wafting out from under the bleachers, but I was sure it was a tasteful homage to signals used by First Nation peoples.”
Closing out the question period, Harper reiterated his resolve in being prepared for these societal hazards as both a parent and Prime Minister: “It’s difficult in our modern age to discern between fact and fiction, and as parents and Canadians, all we can do is stay vigilant in keeping our kids safe. As a father, I thank the heavens that some monsters, like the boogeyman or premarital sex, will stay in fairy tales.”
