THE AFTERLIFE – Fred Phelps, the recently deceased founder of the hyper-conservative Westboro Baptist Church, was shocked today to find God’s Kingdom so uncomfortably hotrelig
“Well, golly,” said the man most famous for ‘God Hates Fags’ signs and the picketing of soldiers’ funerals. “I guess it makes sense that there’s fire everywhere. We’re so close to the majesty of God and that must kick the temperature up a notch. Although, that doesn’t explain the brimstone.”
Phelps, who was excommunicated in 2013, spent much of his life preaching against the evils of homosexuality and other sins of the flesh. Despite his overwhelming love for God, the disbarred lawyer was still concerned about the current state of his glorious paradise.
“I knew it was heaven when I saw Jerry [Falwell] and Strom [Thurmond] waiting for me at the flaming gates made of human bones,” said the sweating Phelps. “But I didn’t expect that big red guy with the pitchfork. That must be how they keep the Jews out. That must be it. Right?”
“Right?”
At press time, Phelps had brushed off his worries and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of more members of his congregation.
