ETOBICOKE, ON – Yesterday, scientists reported that oh my God, the patio furniture has just been sitting out there all winter, and dammit, it’s probably at least half ruined.
Reached for comment, researchers stated that shit, probably the last time the patio furniture got used was a little before Halloween, and it was becoming obvious that it needed to come in, but it must have just gotten forgotten, and now it’s what, almost March?”
“So stupid,” they added.
After giving the matter further scrutiny, the researchers noted that Christ, the table is caked in ice and the chairs and cushions honestly look pretty water-damaged.
They concluded that realistically, the patio furniture is probably just going to have to get sold on Craigslist to a fraternity and there’s really no point in trying to salvage it.
Update: further studies indicate that the bird feeder has probably been empty since summer 2009.
