MONTREAL – Despite your best efforts to remain positive, a report released this morning by McGill University has affirmed that it’s already way too late to get something going for Valentine’s Day.
The 30-page study determined that any efforts you try to make at this point are only going to remind you about how you waited “way too long to make a move on any of your prospects”, so it’s just for the best if you “come to terms with this difficult reality as soon as possible.”
The study also found that year after year, people in your position are officially out of the Valentine’s day game by January 31st, yet they unfortunately remain optimistic up until a few days before, at which point they are “painfully reminded that any rapport building they’ve managed to do with their romantic interests will probably be for nothing, because by now they’ve lost respect for you due to your inability to make things happen.”
“Our research found that it takes at least two full weeks of courtship before it’s even plausible to spend Valentine’s Day with someone you’re romantically interested in,” explained Sylvia Gerum, the study’s lead author. “Outside of that, February 14th is so loaded with expectations that if you’ve been dating for any amount of time less than two weeks, you’re doomed to blow the evening by either trying too hard and coming across as overly romantic, or not trying hard enough and coming across as too casual.”
“Don’t even get us started on those that feign intense emotions in a tongue-and-cheek manner to try to overcome this dilemma through humour,” Gerum continued. “You might as well stop dating now and spare yourself the bad memory your doomed relationship will never be able to overcome.”
The report additionally confirmed that those already in a committed, long-term relationship have missed the cut-off date for planning something special enough, and they should start hoping for a miracle to pull something off in the next 48 hours.
According to experts, it’s also too late at this point to take up the offer made by a casual friend to spend a friendly night out for Valentine’s Day eating heart shaped pizza at Boston’s Pizza because they’ve somehow managed to find a real date, and the best thing you should do now is to focus, get your shit together, and get a move on someone new ASAP or you’re going to be the only one spending Christmas Eve at your parent’s place sleeping in a single bed.
