ST. JOHN’S – To his chagrin, local simian enthusiast Roland Barnes has come to understand that a barrel filled with monkeys is much more fun when the monkeys haven’t died from an acute lack of oxygen.
“I’d heard the phrase ‘more fun than a barrel full of monkeys’ a bunch,’ said a weeping Barnes. “And while I was scared of the concept for a while, I finally decided I had to try it out.”
Barnes began by gathering together what he described as “most of his favourite monkeys”, and purchasing a barrel. Sources within Barnes’ illegal, subterranean menagerie have said that this is where everything began to go wrong.
“Honestly, the monkeys did not want to go into the barrel,” said Barnes. “Especially Mr. Jim-Biscuits. He was always my favourite, because he was so feisty. I’ve been a fool.”
Undaunted, Barnes dosed the monkeys with alcohol until they became pliant.
While Barnes had thought ahead far enough to drill air holes in the barrel, sources say that they were too few, too small, and entirely blocked off by semi-conscious, vomiting monkeys. When Barnes returned from work that evening, it was to a barrel full of, not elation and delight, but rather “a whole bunch of extremely dead monkeys.”
According to York University primatologist Robert Kim, care must be taken when monkeys are put into enclosed spaces, as they can suffocate easily. Kim emphasized that the monkeys in the popular children’s game are plastic, and thus cannot die from a lack of oxygen.
“I know that now,” Barnes said, cradling the ruined body of Mr. Jim-Biscuits. “I know that now.”
At press time, Barnes was hitting his pet horse Stacy with a rolled-up magazine, pleading for members of the press to tell him why she wouldn’t wake up.
