NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an astoundingly sophisticated method of borderline-legal purchasing maneuvers to artificially devalue the currency.
“We expect 2014 will see a lower overall value [for the Canadian dollar] in the face of US economic recovery, higher than usual oil production, and the thousands of shell companies acting as seemingly independent economic actors to covertly suppress demand for Canadian exports,” said GS strategist Theo Woodsworth.
The exchange rate has hovered around parity with the United State since 2007 after oil prices first spiked over $100 a barrel, but now GS market analysts foresee that unbeknownst to most people, certain “market forces” will “crest”, causing the value of the Canadian dollar to “drop with punishing force for exactly two months”.
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein reassured investors worried about investing in something as speculative as currency that their risk analysis has lead them to the conclusion that, “no one can stop us now.”
The model also predicted the exchange rate will even out, back to slightly below parity throughout the remaining quarters, “just in time for cross-border Christmas shopping.”
When asked to indicate the greater economic consequences, Woodsworth predicted that the price drop will be very similar to Goldman Sachs’ actions regarding commodity manipulation exacerbating the global food crisis in developing nations, in that, he will receive a very large bonus.
