Name: University of British Columbia
Nickname: Ol’ Oh God Maybe This Earthquake Will Turn Out To Be The Big One
Motto: ‘I’ve got some psilocybin, you’ve got some woods behind your house, what are we still talking about?”
History:
Founded during the gold rush by a group of miners who struck it big and wanted to buy ‘em some edimacation, UBC is the second biggest research university in the country and sinks most of its grant money into gettin’ more gold outta them thar hills.
Recent undergraduate students have been staunch supporters of the nearby clothing-optional Wreck Beach, often going so far as to clean it, set up security cameras around changing stations, and offer to oil down the supple, naked flesh of its supple, naked visitors. Several residence buildings have even been built near the beach so students can help, you know, keep an eye on things.
UBC has become a popular shooting destination for science fiction TV shows, which is why so many places in outer space bear a suspicious resemblance to the Chan Centre for the Performing Arts.
Pros:
– The Museum of Anthropology, originally announced by PM Pierre Trudeau, is a catalogue of all the different races, nationalities and creeds he and Margaret three-way sexed.
– Exam season nowhere as stressful as constant worries about earthquakes.
– Insite safe injection clinic is a great venue for extremely poignant and heartbreaking birthday parties.
– The name of the student newspaper is The Ubyssey, which is frightfully clever. Frightfully clever. Oho! I can’t wait to tell them about this in the parlours!
– The UBC Botanical Garden has over 8,000 plant varieties, including: Bubblegum, Big Bud, and Purple Kush.
Cons:
– Recycling is such a focus that graduates are now used to feed incoming undergrads.
– Kelowna campus routinely devastated by the Ogopogo.
– Few students survive the frosh hazing ritual where you chug a mickey and then try and find your way out of the mountains.
– The Day of the Longboat intramural boat race does not end until St Mark’s College has been burned to the ground, and all of its students put to the axe.
– Although the campus looks beautiful in photographs, this is only because your camera has also been drinking shroom tea in Sam’s room.
Did you know?
… The UBC Library is the second largest research library in Canada? Do you know which one is largest? The Internet. Get with the times, UBC.suz
…That the seventeen fraternities and sororities on campus will one day unite to form the Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Zeta Eta Theta Iota Kappa Lambda Mu Nu Xi Omicron Pi Rho Sigma Tau Upsilon Phi Chi Psi Omega Greek-letter society, and that when they do, the prophecy will be fulfilled?
…UBC is the only school in Canada where “dressing to impress” means taking off your mountain equipment co-op tearaways and changing into Lululemon yoga pants?
… That UBC’s sustainability initiatives are pointless because the whole place is going to be leveled by a fucking earthquake?
Famous Alumni:
John Turner and Kim Campbell, Together served almost one sixteenth of a term as Prime Minister.
Evangeline Lilly, Wait, so UBC is purgatory or something? Or like, a dream?
David Suzuki, Defender of Canada’s nude beaches, nude forests, nude plains, nude mountains, nude rivers, nude tundras, etc, etc, etc.
Joe ‘Meaty’ Clark, Jowls and double-chin rights advocate
