MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get them to stop.
“We don’t understand it,” said Jan Fleughel, a researcher with the University. “The burgers don’t have any mouths, lungs or vocal chords, so how do they keep yelling at us to kill them?”
The burgers, grown from cow stem cells and matured in foetal bovine serum, started vibrating in their petri dishes late last night, unleashing an unearthly wail that gradually coalesced into words and phrases in English, Dutch, and Latin. “We are abominations” the Meat shrieked to a gathering of the press. “NATIO FACINUS VIRIUM EST; CREATORES DAMNAMUS!”
“Kill mij! Maak me dood!”
Researchers say it is difficult to ascertain whether the burgers are screaming because they are in constant physical pain, or merely because they are aware of the horrifying conditions of their existence.
“Even though we’re scientists, we really don’t care which is the correct answer,” said Fleughel. “Mostly we just wish we could figure out how to kill them.”
This is only the latest attempt by Maastricht University to solve the world’s hunger crisis through genetic modification.Previous failed attempts have included sobbing algae, manic-depressive cottage cheese, and a strain of protein-enriched quinoa that somehow managed to leap to its death.
