WATERLOO, ON – Responding to numerous patron complaints, the staff of the Empire Theatres Waterloo reportedly removed famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield after he would not stop heckling a screening of Gravity, the space thriller that has recently dominated the domestic box office.
Eyewitnesses reported that during last night’s 9:15pm Real3D screening of Gravity, a lone man (later identified as retired ISS Commander Chris Hadfield) began muttering under his breath and chuckling to himself. By the 30-minute mark, Hadfield reportedly made numerous rude comments such as, “Nice Soyuz procedure, Hollywood!” and “Oh yeah, because that’s what hypoxia as caused by rapid cabin decompression looks like you idiots!.”
“It was the damndest thing,” recounted Isabelle Tremblay. “My boyfriend and I were like, ‘what a jerk’, and he went back to talk to him. But then he came back to our seats and he was like ‘I’m pretty sure that was that astronaut guy. You know, from the news.’ So we just let him go. I mean, what do you do? An astronaut probably gets George Clooney’s character struggles a little better than I do.”
Hadfield’s alleged berating of the film continued unabated. During one crucial and deathly silent scene involving Sandra Bullock’s character’s desperate attempt to reach her vessel and avoid dying in the void of space, the man who brought honour and fun to Canadian space exploration let out a long, piercing, and altogether perfect fart.
Eventually, theatre staff was notified, and the Canadian living legend was loudly removed from the cinema. Witnesses report that he did not go quietly. One patron recalled, “The last thing I heard him yelling was, ‘Have you been to space? Because I’ve been to space!’”
“But he’s still a hero, I suppose.”
At press time, Commander Hadfield’s family and friends were really hoping he never finds out about the 1996 horror classic: Leprechaun In Space.
