After years of persistent protests, boycotts, and social media campaigns dedicated to protecting third world countries from dangerous conditions in its factories, multinational corporation Simple Life Technologies has announced they have acquiesced to the public pressure, and have taken the necessary measures to better hide how they do business from the public.
“Thanks to the dedication of the Stop Inhumane Factory Work organization, it has come to both our and the world’s attention that employees in countries like China and India face intolerable working conditions, and are clearly overworked,” said C.E.O. Stephen Munro. “As such we have decided to immediately close our factories in these countries, and move them to places with little internet access, so hopefully no one will be able to find out what is going on there.”
Munro assured reporters that this restructuring would be only the first step in the company’s response to a sweatshop fire that killed over thirty employees, as Simple Life would also be creating a dummy corporation that it will then “sell” its sweatshops to, allowing it to hide all traces of its involvement with the ongoing human rights abuses taking place, while continuing to pay next to nothing to the workers making the products it sells for hundreds of dollars each in North America.
“Plus we’ll get a tax break for the capital loss we’ll claim to have suffered on the sale!” said a smiling Munro.
Afterward, Simple Life board member and self-proclaimed humanitarian Teddy Garner made clear the corporation was looking forward to a much closer working relationship with the activist groups that have spent years trying in vain to get the corporation to stop borderline murdering its overseas employees.
‘In the future we plan to proactively work with the activists in order to asses our company activities from an ethical standpoint of view, to see exactly what our organization needs to do in order to prevent any knowledge of how we do it,” said Garner.
A hunt is already underway for a celebrity spokesperson to be the face of the new Simple Life. The ideal celebrity said to be vegan or vegetarian, strongly principled, and moderate to mildly ethnic looking.
At press time, activists announced their intention to keep up the pressure on Simple Life in an email drafted on the company’s newly released tablet, which has the latest in predictive text technology.
