WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing.
“It’s really quite simple,” explained regional CEO Amanda Collins. “Nothing goes hand in hand more than the obsessive need to change one’s physical appearance and the choking, immobilizing grip of self-loathing.”
“After all, would you feed something you hate? Didn’t think so.”
Before, clients hoping to lose weight were coached to feel good, even proud, about the smallest of changes made to their physique through rigorous exercise and food regulations.
With the “All Self-Loathing Diet”, the tedious tracking mechanisms and expensive brand-approved meals are thrown out the window, and the only motivation and meal is everyone’s natural instinct toward resenting the very fibre of their fat, fat being.
“It’s a lot like eating your feelings,” said Kendra Wallace, whose journey with the diet began a month ago. “But here, you numb your feelings until they’re in their purest state; hating your stupid ugly self. Then, you can eat as much as you want of the hollow, metallic residue of your emotions, because as well all know, self-loathing has zero calories.”
Added Wallace, “I’ve already lost so much hair weight!”
