LOS ANGELES – The child entertainment industry was rocked today by the news that late children’s TV personality and host of The Flower Hour Peter Plantman, had, despite his career choice and decades of work, never done anything remotely sexual with a child.
“We were certain that when he died the allegations would start pouring in,” said Kidtertainment International spokesman Goldy Stockwell. “We had a statement prepared that was full of words like ‘regret,’ ‘astonished,’ and ‘saddened.’ It was really quite beautifully written.”
Plantman, whose onscreen character incorporated heavy make-up, sequins, a high-pitched voice and finger-like vines, has been the subject of an enormous postmortem investigation which has so far revealed an attitude toward children only characterized by platonic goodwill.
The investigation began after a tip from Plantman’s former child co-star Nicholas ‘Nicky-Wicky’ Garner, now 43.
“I told the cops that Plantman once invited me back to his dressing room under the pretence of ‘showing me something cool’ and when we got there he just showed me this rare orchid from the Amazon and then went home for dinner with his wife, an adult human woman.”
Spokespersons for the police have said that they were “floored” by the news.
“We just assumed that some kids had come to us at some point with accusations, but that we had told them ‘That’s Hollywood,’ refused to investigate, and then conveniently ‘lost’ the relevant documents,” said Farrah Shaw for the LAPD. “So as you can imagine, this is all kind of surreal for us. We’re not really sure what to do next.”
Since Plantman’s death, and the attendant cancellation of Peter Plantman’s Flower Hour, Kidtertainment International has slotted in a new broadcast, Feelings Time, with Philip Tounch.
