By Jeanette Francis
Listen son, I know that this is the sort of thing that you’re not usually supposed to talk about with your children, but mama’s had a couple of wines and you’re cornered in this kitchen.
It’s time you learned a little something about the sex that your father and I have.
It’s great.
Now obviously neither of us are as young as we used to be, and maybe we both have a few pounds of cookies and ice-cream weight hanging around our hips, and maybe it’s not the sort of sex that you would like to watch, but frankly, the two of us just do it for each other.
Hot? Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah.
I know your father seems all uptight. That was sort of what attracted me to him in the first place. I thought, ‘I can’t wait to see what happens when he loosens that tie.’ Well, as it turned out, when he lets loose he lets loose.
Son, this may be uncomfortable for you to hear, but your father is a whirling sexual dervish forever spinning upwards through regions of ecstatic sexual delight.
I don’t want to give you too many details, because those are between your father and I. But I will say this: remember when you were little and you thought your father could do anything? Well you were right, your father does everything.
No, don’t try and leave while I’m talking to you, son.
I just think it’s important for you to hear this, so that you know you come from a sexual family. That same sexuality is in you, too! I look at you, and I know there’s a side of you that I don’t know, a side of you that just wants to take the world, bend it frontwards over a desk and teach it the thousand sweet and bitter lessons of penetration.
Don’t be afraid of it, son. Our whole family has been like that, all the way back. Unvanquished Questing-Beasts of lust, each and every one of us.
Take your great granny Blanka for instance.You see pictures of her in the family albums, with her bonnets and ankle-length skirts, and she looks so chaste, right. Well I don’t buy it. I take one look at that smile of hers, and I just think to myself, “That lady knew her way around a shaft.”
Where are you- oh, ok. Well, before you leave the house could you please send your father in? I want to have a word with him.
And that word is ‘sex’.
