TORONTO – While several hundred lined up for the so-called ‘student sex party’ hosted by a U of T campus group last night, one heavily-breathing, self-proclaimed evangelical student spent the evening protesting the event from the shadows.
“This is lurid and wrong, and I don’t care if students and other religious groups support this kind of filth,” said Wilson Meadows, 22, pacing anxiously across the street from the Aqua Oasis Lounge where he was able to imagine countless of his peers partaking in what had been playfully termed as an ‘epic sex club adventure.’
“People don’t realize the harm that comes from pursuing the desires of the flesh. They think it’s just a couple drinks, soft whispering, then a hand running slowly up a pale, milky thigh to the warm comfort of her sex. But in reality, it’s a long and terrible journey to the depths of Hell, where the fond memories of the heaving thrust of her bosom will not abate the eternal torments of the lake of fire.”
Meadows, who went silent for several minutes at 7 pm when clothing became optional inside the Oasis lounge, and whose face looked pale and flushed when he finally spoke again, also took issue with the fact that the event was loosely connected to his university.
“These types of events celebrate the way of the flesh in a manner contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ and should not be university sanctioned,” he said while nervously tucking his binoculars into his coat pocket, then wiping his clammy hands on his prominent gut. “It’s ridiculous that a substantial portion of my tuition goes to this type of smut, and that I have absolutely no recourse – no say in what my incidental funds promote.”
While Meadows confirmed he had already opted out of the $0.50 annual fee his tuition would have contributed to the SEC budget, he still complained it was “fifty cents too many when you consider the lives that will forever be ruined for one night of obscenely impure pleasures.”
“These events draw unwary students into the snares of soft, supple flesh, where beads of sweat form on their furrowed brows, and they push on, ever thrusting into an anonymous temptress that I didn’t even love and shouldn’t have broken my promise to God for.”
Leslie Johnson, a student at U of T who attended the ‘orgy’, said she didn’t understand why some people took offense with the evening.
“I mean, these types of events are always different from the way people imagine them. It’s less like the stuff you see in pornography, and in the end it was more like a few heavy girls and guys in corsets, and one dude wearing a leather cape.”
