ABBOTSFORD, BC – Local mental health patient Andrew Wallace, 35, has tolerated hearing voices in his head for years, but says he is now unable to deal with the voices after their upper management outsourced them to India.health, men, health, men,
“Its always been bad. But before they used to tell me stories, and narrate my life like a movie,” Wallace said from his kitchen, while drawing an elaborate map to where Prime Minister Stephen Harper hid evidence linking him to 9/11. “Now they just keep asking me if I have an account with Telestar, or if I want to add injury protection to my Visa. I don’t even qualify for a Visa! It’s driving me crazy.”
While communication was never previously a barrier between the voices and their host, it has lately become a key issue for Wallace. “I can barely understand these guys – plus I know they’re lying to me. I mean, I’ll believe you’re the ghost of my mother and I need to avenge you against the descendants of the Gypsies who caused your demise, but yeah right your name is Kevin and you’re talking to me from Denver. I wasn’t born yesterday, Mohammed Falafel Alibaba.”
Those close to Wallace are beginning to express concern. “He used to just be a clearly unmedicated schizophrenic,” said his brother, Stephen. “But now, he’s getting pretty racist.”
Wallace took issue with that description, saying his issue with the voices does not stem from a dislike of people from other races, but a fierce patriotism in his own country. “I know the RCMP is sending these voices to stop me from completing my project, but they could at least keep these jobs in Canada, where they belong,” he said while standing waist deep in cut up egg cartons.
In addition, the voices sometimes talk amongst themselves in their native tongue, leading Wallace confused as to what they are discussing. “For all I know, they’re gossiping about how weird my toes are; or saying that Cayley the weather girl from Channel 5 isn’t in love with me,” he complained.
“Times like these make me wonder if I really am the second coming of Christ.”
