JANESVILLE, WI – Paul Ryan, the notoriously athletic and daring former vice-presidential candidate, has chosen to relax from the grueling campaign trail by taking on the monumental task of scaling the foreboding widow’s peak that sits above his own eyebrows.
“I have faced many challenges in my lifetime and tackled obstacles I thought insurmountable prior to my deepest efforts. I have learned that in the face of defeat, the only way to regain one’s honor and courage is to push yourself to achieve the impossible,” said Ryan outside of his home, barely huffing after a speedy 13-mile training run through nearby forest trails.
“The greatest challenge is overcoming yourself!”
The challenge is daunting, with the apex soaring well past the tree line, over 237 meters above sea level in the 1st congressional district of Janesville Wisconsin. The peak is locally renowned as the area’s most impressive and dangerous natural feature by far. Sleek and appearing constantly wet, it cuts into the young Republican house favorite’s rugged North face, earning it the name, “The Fountainhead.”
Up until now, no one has been skilled or bold enough to traverse the potentially deadly ascent. Locals however are fond of telling an urban legend that, etched into the peak’s highest point, a mysterious vandal has left a mark of four words: “Who is John Galt?”
Experienced climbers have estimated that scaling a peak like that would take at least 5 hours. But not to underestimate himself, Ryan is betting that his marathon training will allow him to complete the task in just under 45 minutes.
