TORONTO – Darren Santos, year-long roommate to Jennifer Richards, has finally had enough of the co-ed’s active dating life.
“She’s a great girl, but it’s getting to be a bit much,” said Santos from his room adjacent to Richards’, his close friend since frosh week. “Its like I’m not even here, you know? She comes home from class, takes her hair out of that ponytail, drinks the chai tea I made her and sits on my bed in her little shorts and chats for an hour. Then she leaves to hang out with a Jacob. Or a Shawn.”
“Ugh,” he added.
According to Santos, despite him and Jennifer liking all the same things, having the same birthday, and both “really understanding” the poetry of W.B. Yeats, he has never had feelings for Richards outside of those of devoted kinship. Recently, however, this loyal friendship has been threatened by Richards’ sexual encounters.
“It’s not that she’s loud or anything, it’s just the knowing. Knowing that she’s in there; probably saying something really smart and hilarious that he doesn’t even notice, and then letting that guy see her in the pink bra she always leaves in the dryer,” Santos explained. “It’s just kind of inconsiderate to our friendship,” he added.
After her breakup with long-term boyfriend, Carter Thomas, Santos claimed he and Richards became closer than ever; sometimes just snuggling while watching Hitchcock movies, and making dinners together to “save on food costs.” Nowadays, Santos complains of a sense of physical distance, citing friendship hugs being cut short in order to respond to flirty texts from “the others” as a key factor.
“I just don’t understand, how can she finally break up with Carter, then go out with these random guys who don’t even know what her hair smells like.”
When asked to comment, Richards was too busy wasting her youth on some douche who probably doesn’t even imagine them growing old together.
