MISSISSAUGA, ON – After receiving a deposit from a charity golf tournament, four Bank of Montreal employees found out the endorser had insufficient funds the hard way. Two tellers, a mortgage consultant and a security guard were struck down after the massive cheque bounced, careening into them at $60,000 dollars per deposit.
“It is my saddest duty as branch manager to pay tribute to four of BMOs finest. Our hearts are with the families and friends of the fallen,” said Richard Sousa, of the Mavis Rd. location.
“After speaking with the endorser and a careful investigation by our best auditors, we have concluded that an old account number was accidentally placed on the, admittedly, heavier than usual giant novelty cheque,” said Sousa.
Witnesses say Marcia Vasquez and Lorena Hammond, tellers who had recently graduated 3rd and 4th respectively in their class from the academy, were having trouble depositing it on their own, which prompted the ever helpful Mitchen Kerens, a mortgage consultant only eight days from retirement, to assist with the difficult transaction. But one safety precaution was neglected in the confusion and rush. Hammond and Vasquez forgot to check the account balance before making the deposit.
“Even though we’ve done it dozens of times in the simulator, sometimes avoidable mistakes get made and you wind up paying the ultimate compound interest rate.”
After placing it in the giant novelty envelope, the deposit machine violently rejected the oversized and sharp cheque, eviscerating the two rookie tellers with third degree paper cuts to the wrists and throat.
The envelope then ricocheted, spinning off the wall with enough momentum to lodge itself into the rib cage of Darren Kosta, a security guard at the branch for the past 5 years who had only just welcomed newborn daughter Eva into the world. The envelope easily sliced through his standard issue bullet proof vest.
In the shock and confusion, Kerens went into cardiac arrest and was later pronounced dead at Credit Valley Hospital.
BMO representatives say they will be making a complete review of their safety training policies and will no longer take deposits in the form of giant novelty cheque once the review is complete, which will take place right after this weekend’s BMO charity bowling tournament for the daily bread food bank.
