WESTCHESTER, CT – Saying his household could no longer keep up with the dramatic increase in money being paid toward their allowance, embattled NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took the bold step of locking his children Brittany, 5, Lauren, 7, and Jordan, 9, out of their suburban Connecticut home.
“It was a hard decision to make, but unfortunately the proportion of our household revenue devoted to paying childhood allowance had reached an unacceptable percentage,” said Mr. Bettman over the mournful cries of his only offspring emanating from outside the front door.
“We made a reasonable offer for a rollback from 10 dollars a week to 3.50, but unfortunately it was rejected. Even though, household wide, our revenues have increased in recent years, it just wasn’t enough to justify keeping all three children in the house. Frankly we were left with no other options but to void their contracts and wish our beloved Britt-Britt, Laurie-Pie and the other one the best of luck in their future endeavours.”
Commissioner Bettman’s wife Aileen added, “we still have hope the situation can be resolved more amicably than the previous lockout,” when a 4-year-old Jordan was forced to survive the winter by living off the contents of a dumpster behind the local Arby’s after he refused to accept a firm cap on the amount he could make from his grandparent’s birthday checks.
Mrs. Bettman went on to stress that the lockout was a tactical maneuver, and all sides hoped it would end well before the annual Winter Classic, the elementary school’s celebrated holiday themed musical show.
However, critics were quick to levy charges that Mr. Bettman has become over-reliant on the lockout power. “I served the Commissioner during lunch last year,” said local Red Lobster waitress Cindy Carling. “When he saw the bill included a mandatory 20% gratuity he started raving about the damage this would do to ‘future growth prospects.’ He ended up throwing the entire staff out of the restaurant and locking the doors until we agreed to take 5%.”
After a number of days spent camped outside their former residence, neighbours described the children wandering through town barefoot, looking for food and shelter, before being taken in by a kindly russian billionaire who promised to double their allowance and give them all the candy they could want, though their accommodations would consist of a half constructed tree fort sitting in the middle of a frozen lake.
