NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Ontario’s Humane Society announced yesterday they were denying Marineland C.E.O., John Holer’s application to adopt a 2-month-old Dalmatian puppy he had planned on naming ‘Spot.’
Spokesperson Matilda O’Neil stated, “we made it very clear to Mr. Holer that if he wanted a puppy he would first have to show he could take care of his fish. We feel he isn’t quite mature enough at this time.”
O’Neil pointed to the recent images of a seal blinded by unclean waters, the numerous health code violations and the death of a Baby Baluga in the spring as examples supporting the Society’s decision.
“It’s not fair. I would take care of a puppy. Puppies are cool and fun. These were just stupid, boring fish. All they did was swim around all day and you can’t even take them out of the water for very long,” Mr. Holer responded while angrily tapping on the aquarium glass.
“They don’t even do any good tricks unless you whip them real good,” he continued. “And Grandma already knitted a sweater for Spot. When I put the one she knitted for [Marineland’s beloved orca] Kiska on, he just sunk to the bottom of the pool and made a really stupid noise.”
O’Neil was not swayed however. “We give puppies to loving homes. Our policy is that once you have committed 3 or more acts of unspeakable animal cruelty, you have to wait until at least next Christmas before we give you a puppy.”
As a compromise, O’Neil presented Holer with his very own ant farm. Holer appeared to be less than enthused, and immediately started shaking the glass to try to make the ants “do something.”
