TORONTO – James Holden Garrison, a moderately successful dramatic actor, has been cast in 18 television guest spots–always playing either the serial killer, or the guy everyone thinks is the serial killer, but then turns out not to be.
Garrison claims the lack of diversity in his roles is due to discrimination based on his pasty skin, natural inability to maintain eye contact, and hyperhydrosis.
“At this point, I would literally kill for any other kind of role,” he said at a press conference, while frequently adjusting his round-frame glasses and greasy comb-over.
“I’m not even joking!” he added, with a high-pitched, hollow giggle. “I would actually stalk, kidnap, and hold innocent victims–fitting a certain profile related to deep-seated childhood issues, of course–in the abandoned warehouse just off County Road 26,” he continued, maintaining his lopsided grin.
“Naturally, that would be before brutally maiming and killing them while listening to the 1976 hit ‘Dream Weaver’ by Gary Wright… if it could get me a spot on “Being Erica” as a barista, or something.”
At press time, Garrison had just been profiled for the Toronto Police Department’s “Actors to Watch in 2012” list. His agent, described as blonde, attractive and in her late twenties, was not available for comment.
