OTTAWA – Yesterday, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair sent a stern and clear message to any future murderers and dismemberers who wish to attract the public spotlight: next time, please include the NDP.
“Several weeks have passed since a human foot and a hand were sent to the Liberal and the Conservative headquarters, a terrible tragedy that captured the media’s attention. And now that more remains have been found in Montreal, we feel it’s about time to bring up the fact that the perpetrator completely ignored the New Democratic Party in his mailings, yet another injustice allegedly perpetrated by Luca Magnotta, albeit, a lesser injustice than the actual murder dismemberment itself. Our hearts go out to the victim’s family,” he stated at a press conference.
Mulcair explained that during the media frenzy that ensued after the first two bodyparts were discovered, he kept checking the mail for any suspicious packages and continued to be sorely disappointed, day after day, failing to find anything containing what he hoped might be the other foot or hand, or if he was lucky, a decomposing human head.
“We knew the victim’s head hadn’t been found and the location is still unknown, but we just assumed that it would have been sent to our headquarters at, get a pen, 300 – 279 Laurier West, Ottawa, Ontario K1P 5J9. And, of course, our deepest condolences to the victim’s mother. We feel your loss.”
Mulcair quickly clarified his position after accusations that he was advocating murder.
“I am absolutely not advocating murder or dismemberment. Those are despicable actions. But if, I repeat, if any other Canadians, or possibly visiting Americans, plan on chopping up a body and sending the body parts to the Conservatives and the Liberals, why not include the NDP?”
Later adding, “Why bother with the Liberals anyway? Do I need to remind you that we are the official opposition now? Come on!”
Just hours after Mulcair’s announcement, dozens of suspicious packages were reportedly received at NDP headquarters from fake addresses. However, police say the contents are mostly human, and in one case, bovine feces.
