CALGARY, AB – Despite purchasing a set of colourful, die-cut, embossed, holographic business cards, local real-estate agent and complete asshole Derick Fineley observed no noticeable increase in clients.
“I don’t get it,” said the self-important douchebag, offering one of his highly expensive cards for inspection. “Look, it’s a work of art. This thing just screams, ‘money is important, and I’ve got a lot of it!”
Folding his arms in a smug fashion and flashing a crocodile grin, cocky jerk-off Fineley revelled in his business card’s opulence. “Open it up, go ahead,” he said, referring to a 3D paper house with his smarmy fucking face on it that pops up when you fold the card.
The somewhat successful, but massively egotistical son of a bitch added, “This is beyond a simple business card: it’s the future of real estate. Why would anyone settle for a kind, competent agent, when I have this sweet card?”
While the insufferable prick’s enthusiasm for his ostentatious business card appeared limitless, Fineley had to admit that despite distributing dozens of the six dollar cards, his number of clients has actually decreased.
“It’s weird,” the massive dick-head said. “I spent over two grand on these cards, and gave them to every moron in the freakin’ city. And I still don’t have any new rubes knocking on my door, begging me to unload their home real quick and dirty.”
Joss Morgan, a realtor from a competing legal firm, offered that the new business cards may not be to blame, but rather the sagging resale market.
“No one’s doing great right now,” he said. “From the most skilled realtors down to the narcissistic, oily-haired bottom feeders like Fineley, we’re all feeling the crunch.”
