OAKVILLE, ON – Local man Aaron Montague failed to complete a half-marathon last week, despite preparing with an hour-long training montage.
“I did everything right,” Montague insisted. “I trained in a variety of different locations, all set to inspirational music. Logic dictates I should be in top physical condition right now. What happened?”
Montague’s montage, which took place last week, included a run up the stairs of his beaten-down apartment building, a soccer game with disadvantaged youths, and helping his younger sister find her inner beauty in time for her high school dance.
The 31-year-old Montague said he listened to his iPod throughout the montage, citing “Eye of the Tiger” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” as the most inspirational of his soundtrack.
Despite these activities, the runner reported problems after beginning the marathon.
“Almost immediately I got these pains in my chest. At first I assumed it was just dramatic suspense to emphasize the relationship between me and my rival, Rick Mendoza,” Montague commented. “I hate Rick Mendoza so very much.”
However, Montague’s problems continued well into the first kilometer of the run. He reported feeling dizzy, fatigued, and suffering from “that feeling you get when you’re about to die.” Montague limped through the second kilometer, hoping that a female interest or his estranged parents would show up to give him the morale boost needed to finish the race. Unfortunately, no one appeared, and Montague collapsed only metres from the first thirst station.
Montague’s friends say this is not the first time the failed runner has mistakenly used an hour-long montage in lieu of a proper training regime.
“The worst time was when he offered to cater our friend Mike [Townshend]’s wedding,” said Tim Allister, a friend of Montague’s from high school. “He basically did a 20-minute montage the day before, leaving everything up to chance the day of the wedding. He said it would all come together like it did in some obscure movie no one’s ever seen.”
“Thanks to Aaron, I know a lot of people who will never be able to look at a shrimp scampi without needing to run to the toilet,” he added.
Owen Richards, a movie critic for The National Post, explained that the Montage Problem is a common occurrence among amateur athletes.
“So many times people go on a single montage and assume that they can run a marathon or beat up a bully,” Richards said. “What they don’t realize is that you need so much more: a strong, catchy playlist, and a humiliated or dying parent to really beef up your physical abilities. And I can’t state enough the value of a crippled sibling. Basically every time that happens you gain like, five year’s worth of training.”
Montague was last seen watching Rocky IV.
