VICTORIA, BC – A potentially pleasant outing between a man and woman on Saturday evening was completely ruined by a boner.
Todd Bellard, 28, and his date, 27-year-old Cynthia Elmwood, were meeting at a local restaurant when the erection occurred, setting the tone for a horribly awkward first-date, according to Bellard.
“Cynthia showed up to the restaurant in this light blue dress with lots of leg showing. It was game over just like that,” Bellard said. “I had a fire hydrant in my pants for the rest of the evening and it felt like grade 9 all over again.”
”I really wish I hadn’t tucked my shirt in,” he continued.
Bellard explained that he tried many tricks to hide the boner while he and Elmwood were waiting to be seated, such as constantly shuffling around, reading his menu at waist level, and generally giving the appearance through exaggerated facial expressions that he was in a lot of pain to direct attention away from his waistline.
Bellard’s visible bulge.
“I’m also pretty well endowed,” he cringed. “So you can imagine this was a huge problem. It’s really hard to be subtle in this kind of situation. I also tried putting my hands against the wall, and leaning my hips back to create a sort of optical illusion to hide my throbbing manhood, which seemed to be working, but then we were offered a table.”
Once seated, Bellard said his boner continued to pose a problem because the tables were made of glass. His attempt to cover himself with his napkin also proved futile because the white cloth created more shadows, further accentuating the troublesome erection.
“It was getting awkward talking to her while I was clearly sailing at full mast, so I excused myself to the washroom and tried to rub one out in the stall,” he said. “With other men nearby, the whole situation really turned me off, and I thought I was finally off the hook.”
“But when I returned to the table, Cynthia had removed her shawl revealing her bare shoulders. It was right back to a full salute for me.”
“I’m a shoulders guy,” he added.
Bellard said that things got even worse when Elmwood suggested they dance while waiting for their food to arrive.
“It was a Latin restaurant, and they had a live band playing Merengue music,” Bellard said. “I tried to lock our hips tightly together on one side to allow me to tilt sideways and give my tent pole some breathing room, but I know she probably felt it the whole time.”
“It was also a really crowded dance floor,” he continued. “It was pushing our bodies even closer. At one point she wanted me to spin her around, and in the process a man bumped into my boner. I was mortified.”
“What a disaster,” added Bellard, looking down at the ground in shame. “I never thought getting it up for so long could cause me so many problems with a woman.”
Bellard was able to end the evening early by complaining that his appendix was causing him excruciating pain, and while the two walked out of the restaurant, he pointed to the first apartment building he saw and claimed it was where he lived.
“I quickly said goodnight and hid in the lobby until she was gone,” he said. “Sometimes you just have to cut your losses whatever way you can.”
Reporters caught up with Elmwood, who described the entire evening as one big tease.
“I was so turned on by his boner,” she said. “What a huge letdown.”
