SOUTH GLENGARRY, – An overturned tractor trailer in the eastbound lane of the 401 near the Ontario-Quebec border is creating massive traffic jams and severe delays for Jesus Christ, who was making His way to Saguenay, Quebec at the time of the accident.
“I can’t believe this,” Christ said, slamming His palms against the steering wheel as He slowed His car to a near halt. “This is an abomination.”
The Son of God reportedly started a long commute to the Saguenay–Lac-Saint-Jean region from Detroit late last night, and has since faced several set-backs, causing Him to fall behind his tight schedule.
“I promised a minister friend of mine that I’d attend his afternoon Mass,” He said. “I owe him a few miracles, and I’ve already canceled on him in the past, so I can’t let him down again. His congregation is getting pissed.”
“At this point, there’s no way I’ll get there on time,” He continued. “I’d almost be better off just getting out of my car and walking along the [Saint Lawrence] River. With the wind behind me, I can make pretty good time. But this is my friend’s Chrysler, and I can’t just abandon it – golden rule and all.”
Christ’s setbacks began at the U.S. Canada border when an expired passport forced border officials to retain Him for three hours until the matter could be resolved.
“That was just stupid on my part,” He said. “Still, [the border officials] could have sped up the process a bit. They just had a big problem with the fact that I was wearing a thin white vestment and sandals in February. I guess I also looked a bit wild-eyed from not sleeping all night.”
Christ then continued His journey and made a stopover in Toronto where He sought out a quick lunch.
“My first choice was a burrito place, but I found the Church of Jesus Christ and saw they were handing out free meals, so I figured I would run in and grab a sandwich,” He explained. “They wouldn’t let me in at the front of the line, even when I told them that I was on a tight schedule.”
Apparently, Christ was not recognized by church staff.
“They kept pointing to this statue of me, and some stained glass artwork, but the likeness was way off,” Christ said. “I shaved after Movember.”
Christ added: “I was starving though, so I stretched out my arms and kind of lolled my head to the side, trying to get them to see the similarities, but they yelled ‘blasphemy!’ and said that I would suffer for the mockery. Putting up with these people was not worth an egg salad sandwich, so I left.”
Christ said He still had a chance to make it to His Mass until several accidents on the 401 reduced traffic to one lane. Making matters worse, the engine of Christ’s borrowed car began to overheat. He then sent a text to his friend Job, “OMFG, sparks are flying upwards,” hoping for advice on how to fix the problem.
Job replied with, “WWYD [What Would You Do]?”
As of press time, Christ was seen pushing the car to the side of the road.
with files by Leah Edwards
