By Al Lombardo
Why would anyone want to wear pants in this weather?
Seriously, it’s way too hot to make
the switch to pants already.
Are we into fall yet? Because,
honestly, it still feels like summer to
me.
Yes, you most certainly heard
me. You think these shorts I’m
wearing are coming off anytime soon?
Don’t bet on it. I figure I can wear
shorts in this weather for another
eight or nine weeks.
Usually this country is
putting up a good wholehearted
challenge this time
of year, but last night it
barely made its way down to ten
degrees. C’mon now, I
needed air-conditioning to
cool myself off. What is it
now? November?
Feels more like August to
me.
I heard someone on the
street today telling her friend
it was, “getting chilly,” and Montreal
was beginning “sweater-weather.”
You call this sweater-weather?
That’s ridiculous! I’ll accept a light button
shirt (preferably short-sleeve) at
most. What are you doing wearing
that sweater-vest? Take that off right
now! C’mon now, let’s be rational
here.
Why the hell can’t I find a good pair
of shorts at the mall anymore? Why
are they selling toques already? Are
these people crazy? I’m not gonna be
needing a hat until at least January,
maybe not at all.
Does anyone have an outdoor
swimming pool? I could really go for
a dip to cool myself off. And where’s
the ice-cream man nowadays? Is
there a lack of demand already? What
the hell is society coming to?
And what about my idiot, string-bean
son? He wants me to buy him a
jean-jacket at the GAP. Yeah right.
Stacey, I’m not going to buy you a
jacket until the temperature dips well
below zero, you spineless, ginger-pubed
bastard.
And how about my prissy wife? She
asked me if I could turn the heat on
last night. NO WAY. I’m not spending
useless money on hydro if I don’t
need to. Let’s compromise here. We
can close the window to the
bedroom, but then we have to turn
the fan on. And if you were talking
about sex, then my answer is also no.
I could get overheated in this weather
and have a heart attack. Go ahead and
tell the neighbours how I act. If it’s
weird of me to sleep on the kitchen
tile-floor (naked) when I’m this hot,
well, then, why don’t you just sue me
Maria? I’m sweltering.
I just thank God I work in a frozen
food storage warehouse where shorts
are allowed. I don’t know what I
would do if I was a lawyer and had to
wear a suit all the time. I’d probably
kill myself. That’s how hot I feel in this
weather.
Yesterday I got up at six in the
morning to mow the lawn. It was 3
degrees at that time. You think I even
had a shirt on? Yeah right. I was
sweating up a storm and working on
a tan. That’s what it means to be
Canadian. Shit face.
It’s getting chilly? What a sorry joke.
I’ll be wearing shorts for
another eight or nine weeks at least.
