EAST YORK, ON – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends at an East-End Mr. Sub by asking for hot sauce on his sandwich, sources reported yesterday.
“He was like, ‘No man, throw some hot sauce on there too’ to the dude behind the counter,” friend Eric Sherman said. “He’s crazy, man. Jeff’s just that kind of guy.”
Saunders reportedly returned the sandwich after discovering that there weren’t any Jalapeños.
Added Sherman: “Ya, he bit into the sub and was like ‘what the hell! Where are the Jalapeños?’ as if just red peppers weren’t enough. Insane.”
Cindy Shaeffer, who was at the Eglinton Ave. and Laird St. Mr. Sub, had this to say about Saunders’ love of hot sauce: “I think he goes a little overboard sometimes. I gave him a bite of my chicken caesar sub, because he said he’d never tried it, and I warned him that it was hot. He suddenly got this strange grin on his face, as if I’d just told him that there were leprechauns hiding under the lettuce or something. After he ate it he said ‘You call that hot?’ and started to laugh. Then he pulled out a bottle of hot sauce he’d ordered on EBay, and he’s like, ‘You should try this sucker. You’d probably have a heart attack!’ Whatever, Jeff.”
For years, Saunders has jumped at every opportunity to eat hot/spicy foods in front of his friends.
“Try and order some honey-garlic wings with [Saunders] around. He won’t have it,” said Jim McShane, Saunders’ friend and co-worker at a local Shoppers Drug Mart. “One time, I asked the waitress for honey garlic and he called me a pussy, right in front of her, and ordered extra- hot. For about five minutes he just sat there looking at me contemptuously out of the corner of his eye.”
In the past, Saunders’ reckless use of hot condiments has caused serious harm to his friends. McShane was once hospitalized for two weeks with a swollen esophagus after an incident in which Saunders made him try a bite of his sandwich.
“I took one bite and I started to choke and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I tried to grab my beer to cool down and he took it away and said ‘Are you serious? Man, what a sissy, that’s nothing!’ He’s such a dick. We’ll see if he ever gets his playstation controller back – probably not.”
McShane and Saunders haven’t spoken since that night. Ed Strachan, longtime teammate on the Leaside Highschool Bocce Ball team, has also had enough of Saunders’ spicy-food flaunting.
“He’s always saying shit like ‘You call that hot?’ and ‘Man, this isn’t hot enough.’ He’s such an idiot. Okay, we get it! You’re a tough guy. Real big shot. How ‘bout I take a steaming hot shit on your face! What do you say about that, Prime Time?”
When asked about the explicit advertisement of his preference for throat-weltingly hot foods, Saunders only replied, “What can I say? I just like hot food.”
