TORONTO – In a repeat of last year’s campaign, the Toronto Transit Commission is reminding commuters not to leave the safety of subway platforms to lick the tracks. “You’re not impressing a…
Tag: ttc
80% of TTC wifi traffic just emails explaining lateness
TORONTO – A new study published by an independent technology research group says that 80% of the Toronto Transit Commission’s new free Wi-Fi network activity is just emails communicat…
Local woman super pumped to carry La Senza bag on subway
TORONTO — Local woman Chelsea Burney told reporters that she was “really looking forward” to carrying a 14 by 22-inch bag bearing the highly recognizable logo of women’s lingerie store La Senza o…
Report: dime still not subway token
TORONTO – Despite being certain that he had finally found the missing subway token in his jacket pocket, local man Ryan Malan discovered it was, yet again, nothing but a dime. “I looked in …
Men’s Right groups protest removal of penis-shaped map at Downsview bus station
TORONTO – After TTC officials took down a penis-shaped map of the bus terminal at Downsview station, members of the National Coalition of Men announced a sit-in to protest the continuing war on p…
Subway tunnel workers just going to pretend they didn’t find that chamber of skulls
TORONTO – Workers on the Spadina subway extension who discovered an enormous subterranean chamber of skulls this morning say that they’re just going to seal it back up and move on with thei…
Leader of rat colony disgusted by TTC overcrowding
TORONTO – After being displaced by the continuing construction work at Toronto’s Union station, the leader of Ontario’s largest rat colony today expressed his disgust at the current level o…
Otherwise compassionate man willing to trample baby to get on subway
TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his t…
Your monthly horoscope: August 2014
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Thinking about starting a family? Remember, having children requires a sense of optimism about humanity that you haven’t possessed since childhood…
Report: sleeping woman on subway has been dead for 3 weeks
TORONTO – Reports from those seated around her have confirmed that the women on the subway who all assumed to have been sleeping, is in fact dead, and has been for some time. “I first start…