TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Tag: Tim Hortons
New study reveals that your cousin Steve is still hoping to hang out soon
Prince George, British Columbia — A comprehensive new study released by the University of Northern British Columbia this week has found that your cousin Steve would still really like to han…
Tim Hortons ‘RaceTogether’ initiative leads to over 4000 fistfights on first day
CALGARY – Canadian coffee chain Tim Horton’s attempt to duplicate Starbucks’ “RaceTogether” policy, where servers engage customers in frank discussions of racial politics, has resulted in 4…
Vancouver homeless man glad Tim Hortons owner doused him in water instead of shitty coffee
VANCOUVER – A homeless man who was doused by water by a Tim Hortons owner is relieved at not having been exposed to the chain’s brown caffeinated water. “Sure, I’ve suffered the indignity of havi…
Tim Hortons layoffs coincide with launch of new DoubleMeat Breakfast Sandwich
OAKVILLE, ON – Just hours after their parent company Burger King announced layoffs at Tim Hortons HQ, the coffee chain has announced a new, even meatier breakfast sandwich. “DoubleMeat mean…
Street price of nation’s favourite drug to increase by 10 cents
WELLAND – Canada’s most addictive street drug is increasing in price by ten cents worrying many public health experts and addicts. “I get a hit at least twice a day,” said Joe Kuharchuk, a …
Parents throw jerseys onto ice frustrated with struggling Timbits hockey team
PARRY SOUND – A struggling amateur hockey team for five and six year-olds has been dealt another blow after their disillusioned parents began throwing their Timbits fan jerseys onto the ice…
Manitoba Premier now accepting applications for Finance Minister on Craigslist
WINNIPEG – After the resignation of five cabinet ministers in protest, Manitoba Premier Greg Selinger is attracting the very best replacements with job advertisements on Craigslist. The onl…
Burger King execs still waiting in line at Tim Hortons
SARNIA, ON – A pair of Burger King executives were late for a merger meeting after being stuck in a line for over 20-minutes at a local Tim Hortons. The quick service restaurant executives …
Tim Hortons celebrates 50 years of exploiting national identity for profit
HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coff…