CALGARY – A Calgary woman is fairly certain that the Canadian census she just took online was interested in far more than gathering her vital statistics. “It started out normally, you know,…
Tag: Statistics Canada
Bus seat disturbingly warm
BURNABY, BC – An unsettling series of reports have left BC TransLink patrons concerned for their well being as bus seat warmth has been measured at record high lukewarm levels. “We are work…
Stats Canada raids millions of homes after learning nation’s families hiding .5 children
OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human f…
Statistics Canada study finds 125% of Canadians approve of Trudeau
OTTAWA – Statistics Canada released a study today finding that nearly 44 million Canadians approve of Justin Trudeau and his Liberal government, roughly 25% more than the actual population …
Government to release next census as a Buzzfeed Quiz
OTTAWA – After popular demand from millennials who think the census just isn’t fun enough, the Canadian government has decided to conduct the 2021 census as a Buzzfeed quiz. Statistics Canada bel…
Meet the elite Statistics Canada Census Enforcement Team
OTTAWA — In a secret location at Tunney’s Pasture in Ottawa, an elite team of statisticians are on high alert ready to be deployed anywhere in the country at a moment’s notice in the event …
Montreal declared the ‘I don’t know I’m just trying to figure my shit out’ capital of Canada
MONTREAL — Statistics Canada has named Montreal the “I don’t know I’m just trying to figure my shit out” capital of Canada. The researchers provided some of the stat…
Poll: Canadians overwhelmingly in favour of Olympic hockey team overthrowing, leading government
Following today’s’ Team Canada 2014 Olympic hockey roster announcement, Canadians polled support the team of top athletes toppling the current Canadian government, and subsequently leading the co…
Study: 68% of people conducting surveys over the phone are not wearing pants
MONTREAL, QC – A recent study of call centres has revealed that more than two-thirds of their employees are conducting surveys in a state of pantlessness. The study found that the survey-takers’ …
Report: Canadian job growth slow due to HR
OTTAWA – A report by Statistics Canada has revealed that Canadian job growth has stalled because Human Resource departments don’t have the time to deal with backlog. “There is no lack of wo…