OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs. “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to tw…
Tag: food
Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges
CANADA – Tim Hortons issued a recall today for dozens of their toasted bagels that were sold without their signature burnt edges. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has classified the affe…
Breaking: Wife finishes cup of coffee
Drumheller, AB – While clearing the table one morning, local husband Vince Hefflund was shocked to discover that the coffee mug his wife had been drinking from was empty. “I’ve never seen anythi…
Tim Hortons reminds Campbell’s customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
TORONTO – Following the news that a top Campbell’s executive was fired after being caught on microphone calling the company’s soups “shit for poor people”, Tim Hortons have released a state…
President Trump pardons the Hamburglar
McDonalds, D.C. – US President Donald Trump has added to his list of pardons another well-known criminal, McDonald’s mascot The Hamburglar. “He is a really great guy, this guy,” stated Trum…
Self-described “grill master” skills limited to hot dogs and frozen burgers
Rogersville, NB – After spending over $6,000 on a propane grill and accessories, Robert Arsenault has to date grilled only hot dogs and hamburgers. Arsenault, 39, recently renovated the pat…
Man’s weight loss resolution already complete thanks to a diet of raw milk, raw chicken, and raw salmonella
Toronto ON —Gary Packett, 35, has already achieved his weight loss goal of losing 100 pounds, thanks to his revolutionary new diet consisting entirely of raw milk, raw chicken, and a healthy dos…
Man living off-grid on deserted island still somehow received HelloFresh invite
UNKNOWN – For the past year, Kevin Orson had been living anonymously on a deserted island, free of modern annoyances like social media, junk mail, and people. But his world was turned upsid…
Mom thinks 30-year-old son would like the risotto at restaurant
Steinbach, MB – After briefly perusing the menu at a local Italian restaurant, Irene Everett concluded her adult son would probably like the risotto best. “I know my mom means well, but I’m a gro…
Bulk Barn announces that all snackers will be shot on sight
AURORA — In a bold move that many are calling excessive and illegal, Bulk Barn has announced a new nationwide policy that all customers caught snacking in-store will be shot on sight. The announ…
