We asked the biggest names in Canadian politics what they hope to accomplish in the new year. Here is what they had to say:…
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Old acquaintance accidentally forgot, never brought to mind
News in Photos (kinda). Happy New Year!…
Man uses remainder of year’s health benefits on half-a-dozen vasectomies
VICTORIA – Management consultant Howard Bear is using up the remainder of his yearly workplace medical benefits at his local vasectomy clinic, according to local sources. “I don’t really enjoy ac…
Study shows humans swallow average of 47,980 spiders a year each due to sample’s inclusion of Stanley, the Amazing Spider-Eating Maniac
CALGARY – The unprecedented finding in a recent scientific publication about the ingestion of arachnids by humans was discovered to be fundamentally flawed due to the inclusion of a well-known lu…
Man intent on reading 50 books this year really ploughing through the Goosebumps
CALGARY – According to friends and family, 37-year-old Jason Rowe is absolutely churning through Goosebumps books in a desperate attempt to hit his 2023 reading goal. “I told him 50 books was too…
Local cat discovers he’s adopted
Surrey, BC – Señor Peanut Justinian Handsome Pants the Great, a local orange tabby cat, just found out he was adopted. “I’m just devastated,” says Peanut, wiping away either a tear or a particula…
“I can’t believe you have to work on a holiday!” exclaims woman actively patronising business
TORONTO — Cynthia Johnson was shocked and appalled by the fact that the staff of her favourite local coffee shop were being forced to work on Christmas morning, despite the fact that her being th…
“I’m worried about how much you’ve been sleeping,” says concerned Santa
OTTAWA – According to local sources, Santa Claus has reached out to 33-year-old receptionist Stephanie Bauer after noticing she’s slept right through the last several weekends. “Ho, ho, ho! You d…
Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
VANCOUVER – In a show of parental misconduct that would horrify even the most child-avoidant of people, a baby was spotted in a local cafe wearing jeans. The baby in question, Gerald Culver…
“Counting games in hand we’re only the 2nd worst team in the East,” says Sens fan who picked them to make Conference Finals
OTTAWA – Having earned only 22 points the Ottawa Senators are last in the eastern conference standings. But given their games in hand they’re actually only second worst, as Sens fans …
