TORONTO – In response to an increase in the proportion of new coronavirus infections among people in their 20s and 30s in Ontario, premier Doug Ford has urged young people to stop partying …
Tag: Featured Post
Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes
The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s re…
Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol
Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling th…
Andrew Scheer gives Liberals insider tips on how to get rid of a party leader who won’t fucking leave
OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer, who announced he was stepping down from his position as Conservative leader seven months ago, has called on the Liberals to remove Justin Trudeau as their leader and…
Toronto Police warn protesters against vandalizing symbols of white supremacy, citing difficulty of removing paint from uniforms
TORONTO — Following the arrest of three Black Lives Matter – Toronto protesters over the act of dousing racist monuments in bright pink paint, Toronto Police are threatening considerable le…
Homeland Security assures Americans they’re grabbing Portland protesters off street for cool frat hazing
PORTLAND, OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans, the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchi…
Canada bans Blue Jays due to COVID, sucking
TORONTO – The federal government has announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will not be able to play home games in Toronto this year due to the COVID pandemic, and the fact that the team was …
Local mom shocked to discover ACAB doesn’t stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze”
Muskoka, ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ACAB” did not commonly stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze.” “I thought this whole time I was just celebr…
Liberals appoint WE Charity to investigate WE Charity conflict of interest scandal
OTTAWA – Acknowledging that an outside investigator is needed to look into allegations that the Liberals handed a billion dollar grant program to a Charity with extensive ties to Bill Morne…
Fate of global superpower once again rests on immune system of old lady
BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood …
